50 Years and Still Growing

Gary and Jan married in the 1970s, and, although they were both under 20 years old, they were confident that love would conquer all their problems. Both of them worked until their first son was born, when Jan decided to be a stay-at-home mom. Two more children were born into the family, but four difficult and unsuccessful pregnancies occurred between births. Gary began working an exhausting rotating shift, changing every 7 days from 3rd shift to 2nd shift to 1st shift. Life became chaotic.

While Gary is an extrovert who loves to talk to people, Jan is an introvert who enjoys the quiet of being at home. They often had a difficult time communicating with one another, especially amidst stress and chaos. By the time their third child was in school, they realized they needed counseling. The counselor helped them air their grievances in a safe setting, but they never learned the skills to communicate and navigate life together. Jan became practiced at stuffing her frustrations during their disagreements and Gary was blissfully convinced that he was winning. He didn’t realize he was winning the battles, but losing the war.

Gary’s job changed—he now had to travel out of town every week. The upside was that they only had to get along on the weekends! While Gary was away, Jan was pastoring a church, working in ministry activities, and taking care of their three children. There were some rough waters, but from the beginning Gary and Jan had decided that divorce would not be an option.

Things changed again when Gary retired. Now they were together 24/7. Jan had learned to handle her problems and resolve her emotions on her own, but the resentment that comes from not feeling heard or understood was building. They both desired a healthy, peaceful marriage, but they often found themselves at odds with one another.

Just before their 50th anniversary, the stress finally caused a fracture and they separated. Jan stayed with a friend while she sorted things out in her mind and heart. She also began seeing a counselor, who referred them to The Marriage School. They took the counselor’s advice and began to attend TMS weekly.

The Marriage School has been an answer to prayer. TMS helped both Gary and Jan begin to understand their differences, to honor those differences, and to work together to improve their marriage. Jan’s resentment and frustration melted away as they began learning and practicing new skills. Gary dived into the material each week as a new skill was learned, discussed, and practiced. As a result, a deeper love began to bloom. Listening to the sharing couple each week was especially helpful—they showed Gary and Jan that change is possible! 

Jan and Gary are grateful for TMS and have become volunteers in order to serve other couples. They are convinced that every marriage can benefit from TMS because it is a place to find hope, renewal, and new skills to grow better together.